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There's something here to offend just about
everyone!:
1. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
* Nudity
2. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a
wife?
* 45 lbs
3. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a
husband?
* 45 minutes.
4. How many women does it take to change a
lightbulb?
* None, they just sit there in the dark and
bitch.
5. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
* Through his chest with a sharp knife
6. Why are men and parking spaces ! alike?
* Because all the good ones are taken and the only
ones left are
disabled.
7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
* They can't stand criticism.
8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring,
and good looking?
* Because those men already have boyfriends.
9. What's the difference between a new husband and
a new dog?
* After a year, the dog is still excited to see
you.
10. What makes men chase women they have no
intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they
have no intention
of driving.
11. What do you call a smart blonde?
* A golden retriever.
12. Why does the bride always wear white?
* Because it's good for the dishwasher to match
the stove and
refrigerator.
13. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in
third grade. Who has
the biggest boobs?
* The blonde, because she's 18
14. Which sexual position produces the ugliest
children?
* Ask your Mom
15. Censored>
16. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have
sex ?
* Because they have cotton balls.
17. What's the difference between a porcupine and
a BMW?
* A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
18. What did the blonde say when she found out she
was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
19. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and
Deer Nuts?
* Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always uder
a buck.
20. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
* Mace will do that to you
21. If you are having sex with two women and one
more walks in, what
do you have?
* Divorce proceedings most likely
22. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West
Virginia?
* Everyone has the same DNA.
23. Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had
a retarded baby?
*They named him Sum Ting Wong.
24. What would you call it when an Italian has one
arm shorter than the
other?
*A speech impediment.
26. Why do men find it difficult to make eye
contact?
*Breasts don't have eyes
28. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
29. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a
sheep under each arm?
*A Pimp.
31. What's the difference between a Southern zoo,
and a Northern zoo
*A Southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front the cage,
along
with a recipe.
32. How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady
to say the 'F' word?
*Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell
"Bingo."
34. What's the difference between a Northern
fairytale and a Southern
fairytale?
*A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A. Southern fairytale
begins
"'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s___!
=====Southerners=====
1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera
at
Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve
breakfast
24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If
you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen,
Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla
Beth,
Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we
will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda
down
here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives
a
flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper,
7-Up
or whatever-it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more
literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams,
Faulkner).
We are also better educated and generally a lot
nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or
we'll
kick your ass.
5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred
Smith
of FedEx, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom,
MTV,
Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes, have
small
lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards,
Duke,
Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we
are
dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone
move to
our state in order to run for the Senate. If
someone
tried to do that, we would kick their ass.
6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If
Lee had
listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at
Gettysburg
instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd
be
paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington.
If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the
carving,
we'll kick your ass.
7. We are fully aware of how high the humidity
is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money
and get
the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel.
Everyone
will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat
your
biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And
don't put
sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will
incite
a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
10. Don't talk about how much better things are
at
home because we know better. Many of us have
visited
Northern shitholes like Detroit, Chicago, and
DC, and
we have the scars to prove it. If you don't
like it
here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your
ass on
home before it gets kicked.
11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English.
We talk
this way because we don't want to sound like
you. We
don't care if you don't understand what we are
saying.
All other Southerners understand what we are
saying,
and that's all that matters. Now, go away and
leave us
alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and
polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have
caught fire
recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty,
we'll
kick your ass all the way back to Boston
Harbor.
13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say
sir
and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We
offer our
seats to old folks because such things are
expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our
sweet
little blue haired grandmothers or they'll kick
some
manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14. So you think we're quaint or losers because
most
of us live in the countryside? That's because
we have
enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly,
crime-infested cesspools like New York or
Baltimore.
Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your
ass.
15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come
down here
and tell us how to barbecue. This will get your
ass
shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky
we let
you come down here at all. Criticize our
barbeque, and
you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass .
A woman knows she is drunk when...
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is. (Or
pants... but that's a
long story).
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and
my butt wiggling while
yelling woo-hoo is truly the sexiest dance move
around.
3. I've suddenly decide I want to kick someone's ass
and honestly believe I
could do it too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look
more like Tammy Faye Baker
than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a. m. burger on the floor (which
I'm eating even though
I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry
on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I
love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to
start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek
sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade
teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand
on a table and sing
becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on
their own so I keep them
half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really
good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated
me by giving me just
lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer
taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels
strangely like the kitchen
floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming,
"Don't take this the wrong
way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when
I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down
moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I
happen to be standing)
and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button
fly pants to cut down on
the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their
fault that I'm having
problems walking straight.
*The Blonde Genies*
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two
blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next
thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is
covered in $100 bills. Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the
door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang
him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking
away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these
beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him
wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like a black man is beyond me".
Hehe. Yea i do know im blonde.~Kat
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